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Subject:so i was nudged...
Time:08:42 am
where have i been?

well, not screaming 'til veins burst in my throat driving lonely down a dark highway, away from glittering laughter and the metallic-organic smell of beer and smoke and ice

not sitting with myself and myself alone for days and weeks and walking into the night in my big black boots searching for eyes sending messages of secret understanding, of walking alone too

i've been swimming some

and my muscles have learned a thing or two...or maybe just remembered

i've visited the woods and admired tiny birds (in) their deft, delicate ways

i've slowly rotated, so slowly i barely noticed
slowly like a plant, just doing what feeds it, adjusting all day so that my face catches the sun

i've yet to find a key, but the searching is more peace than it used to be
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Current Music:i won't let go i won't let go...even if you say so
Subject:i want to f*ck you like an animal...
Time:01:03 pm
Current Mood:ditzyfucktard
my whole existance is flawed
you get me closer to god...

when/if you go, it's gonna be a super fucking nova. it's gonna hurt so bad til i pull myself up out of the mire and sift through for to find the shiny pieces. i'll then affix them to my crown and keep spiraling outward toward the devil angel combustion that is...everything everything. yeah. so...i'm gonna miss you bad, my love.

Let's go out walking, I know where to meet
The corner of Pacific Street
Because I feel restless and I can't sleep
I need to show you something

See where we stood
There are oceans in our neighborhood
And for leaving things they're just as good

Well I don't know you except in the way
A traveler knows a traveler
The way a station can tempt you to stay
And spend some time inside it

Stay where we are
We'll wash up at the corner bar
Because leaving things
is just too hard
for me

Stay where we are
Washed up in some corner bar

But I swear I've never been this far before
I swear I've never been this far before
No I swear I've never been so far before

(credit goes to HEM for the lyrics to 'pacific street')

i'll spare everyone the lyrics to 'you are my sunshine'...i'll go buy more beer @ 9%.

will i ever have plain-ol-pleasure sex?

mstk3000 you slay me. love cats. buzzed at 1:10 pm rocks. football!!
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Time:11:14 pm
this is a test, dammit.
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Current Music:sex style - astrix
Time:10:06 am
strange (pah) cycling (rapid) of feelings, pulls, pushes.

as things get back to wonderful with chris, as my sex drive reappears from the abyss of long-term low-grade depression, as i fucking start Therapy, as i make a decision and feel good about it in this whole school-career thing (wow...aside:this song really does kind of make me wanna have sex...at least it makes me feel high, and that is always a nice way to have sex. or, it was. back in tha day, yo.) anyway, i'm feeling the massage school thing. i am neither functionally intelligent or motivated enough to make a living out of a liberal arts re-eduation, so i know that a *trade* is what i want to learn. and, being the health-loving, holistically oriented infp that i am, massage seems just right. i've thought about it since high school really, but now the motivation is great. i am stuck in my job, i want flexibility, i want to learn more about my body and heal people, i see the education i receive in mt to be a perfect opportunity to integrate my schooling and work into venue for personal growth that addresses me as a whole person, not just a brain.

so this decision feels good. one problem being i will have to move away from here, most likely. having a hard time sorting out relationship side of this equation...i guess i'll just have to let go my grip and let what comes come...let what goes go...

so easy to say...

it will be a study, a conscious practice of daily moment-to-moment meditation to make it happen

it came about through happenstance...
that i happened to be hap-happy
you're just a bonus to that...


teases the crack in me...

as much as i definitely enjoy solitude..................................................

i find an accurate copy
a blueprint of the pleasure in me

a secret code carved
secret code carved

form a pattern yet to be matched
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Time:05:28 pm
Current Mood:lonelylonely
i read a piece recently by pema chodron that talked of turning towards your pain rather than away from it. run right into it, she says, and it will disappear. i find some truth in this idea. at this point, i wonder which pain to turn toward. the pain of loneliness vs the pain of being around people.
i feel like i've been pushing the loneliness away. i've been very afraid of it and concerned that there is something wrong with me because i am not able to interact with and be around people. perhaps i should turn toward the lonliness. bathe in it and somehow do it with a lack of self pity.

i learned today that chris will not join me if i move. there is a chance he will not stay with me if i don't move as well. the choice is mine, essentially. it all rests on how i handle myself, our separation in the area of socialization. he says that sometimes he loves living with me, but other times i take my unhappiness out on him and express it in ways that makes it seem as though i don't really enjoy being with him. i am very aware of this. my coping mechanisms are weak. i want to change that for myself, and because i want this to work. i've just gravitated toward destruction and schism for so long...how to change those patterns that are now grooved into each cell...

i don't know how to fix my brain so that i can associate with people right now. what i want to do in the mean time is to come up with healthy ways to cope.
enough fucking around with avoiding therapy. i've got to start somewhere, and with my current resources, i've mostly been spinning my tires and burning up oil. time has come to consult with a mind mechanic.

::end cheesy metaphor::
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Current Music:empty apartment noises
Subject:i am ashamed
Time:10:32 pm
Current Mood:broken
and sickened to admit that if it weren't for my family....i think i would kill myself.

i feel utterly unfixable right now. i've realized tonight that when chris inevitably breaks up with me to get out of this mess that i am, to get on with his life as a healed person, i will be alone. i will have my family. i might hop from one trusted person to the next as they each realize that i am a drain and a repeat offender.

but if i died of natural or, especially, *unnatural* causes, it would destroy my family who has lost so much already. two children, two siblings...that is enough for any one life. so i suppose i should be thankful for this tie to life that i have even in my darkest most isolated moments.

from here it seems simpler. sitting in my apartment away from the party i was just at where i had absolutely nothing to say, where i sat outside in the winter night air breathing in second hand smoke trying to camoflauge myself against the weather-worn wood fence, things seem less urgent. i feel less prone to doom. i think, hey, in a different mindset i could've given conversations a try. stayed inside amidst the babble and chatter of happy, well-adjusted, potlucky people. i could've stepped, inched even, forward rather than freezing in place. i think, hey meghan, don't even fucking speak that s-word outloud. it's fucking weak and useless and blasphemous...

but i fear that the state of mind in which i communicate is generally facilitated through the use of substances that i'd rather keep out of my life. i like remembering a conversation, a person's name...
i don't like the idea of depending on chemicals that will not always be there.

i drove home screaming and sobbing at the top of my lungs just trying to get some of this awful feeling out. i screamed and sobbed for 10 minutes. i feel slightly better. i will not want to get up for work tomorrow. i wonder when chris is going to break up with me. this can't go on for too much longer. i know that i embarass him. not that i really care about that part. but i know that he is tired and that my ups and downs are too frequent to be acceptible to him. too frequent. too out of control. too trapped...i know that it is wrong to feel abandoned, to feel betrayed. but i know that i will. i will feel like i helped fix him and he just ran without looking back. i know that is untrue. he has tried in his way to help me and feels like he has nothing left to offer.

my pain is self chosen
at least i believe it to be...
i could either burn
or cut off my pride and buy some time
a head full of lies
is the weight
tied to my waist...

this was for myself. to anyone reading it, i promise i am not looking for *attention* or anything of that sort. if anything, i believe that admitting these things out loud turns people off and away. i must put it in writing, i must mark it and express it and have it to look back to. i must send it into the e-void...
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Subject:so, did i mention...
Time:10:31 pm
Current Mood:determineddetermined
i'm making a zine of my poems and some drawings. i'm a little scared. i've been editing a lot. old stuff and newer stuff. and i am so glad to be doing that. it's a new catharsis, a spurt of energy and creativity i need right now.
and i'll sit with a poem for a while, and work on it. and i'll like it. i notice i like them better when i read the aloud. it's as though they sound more impressive than they *read* because speaking a poem makes it come from thin air. and to think that such rhyme and meter just popped from this very moment...well, it's just improves them somehow.
i've thought about making little tapes as well, with drawings as the liner notes....
but the point i always come back to, after approving of my own words and sitting there saying, 'shit, homey, you done ok fer a lil' fry like yerself'...then i suddenly *remember* that the poetry sucks. not sure what changes. but i'm making it, and i'm putting it out there. and that's that. i can overthink all i want...but i won't let it paralyze me in this instance.
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Current Music:let us be - son kite
Time:06:31 pm
i've never been so alone

i can't find myself anymore

not the one that i like

i just want to go home

i want the safety that became too important

my mom and dad

trees mountains fireplace

neighbors who knew me

from the time i passed out of my mother's womb

into the next womb

it's cold out here

i'm so cold

i want to go home

what will i do when this is over? it's a matter of time...maybe. he loves life too much to wait around for me. how does it change so drastically?

if i find myself in a situation...where chris is no longer in my life...i will remove birth control from my system. stupid idea, i know. with my track record of attempting to fill gaps with sex and or alcohol, generally the latter first which leads to the former, i should do myself and the world a favor and stay on b.c. but...what would i feel like without it, i wonder.

how will i ever be ok again? it feels fucking impossible. i am so afraid of people. not just in a quiet way. in a terrified way. i can't remember how to have fun. for the sake of having fun. i don't know if i ever learned that.

i'm paranoid enough that i'm scared to start therapy. the idea of letting someone into my psyche...voluntarily...deep into my head. i'm fucking scared of my own brother. i need to breathe. i have pms and it really does spike my paranoid thinking.

i'm just having a fucking festival of self pity--strike that: utter sadness-- right now because i am insanely lonely and i can't fix it and i am scared i never will. i might lose the person who has come closest to me in my life. i might lose the person who has been as patient with me as anyone ever will be, who has reached me when i'd burrowed so deep all light sources were completely obscured and oxygen was running out. he spoke my language and lured me back out in ways nobody has ever been able to do. but even his patience wanes. i feel psychologically crippled.

so many emotions tied up in this. i feel an odd sadness for my parents, who have so much faith in me and love for me. what would they think , what would they do if they knew that at my lowest moments the thought of them was the string keeping me suspended above the end...less....

they think i'm doing ok.
they are so certain of my abilities and of my goodness. i feel i am emotionally corrupt and failing in my competency. i have no social skills. i (not angrily) blame my mother in part for this. she is about as warm as a vermont winter and most of my social cues were picked up from her. i could also blame the childhood trauma of losing christopher/growing up in the aftermath of my family's trauma. blame is pretty worthless, but i think about it. more than i should. says something about me.

sometimes i think i am too puritanical and hard on myself. i accept that this is true to a degree... i realize more and more that i have a huge problem with the forrest/trees thing. part of what appeals to me about grad school is learning about the forrest. i keep working jobs where i work with the trees and that is just digging me deeper into that hole. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh. at least i've written myself out of that crying jag. felt good to let really big tears flow. the round kind. they roll, really, not flow. the blinding kind where you kind of let out a constant moangroanwheeze thing and almost can't feel anything at all, but the water rolling and the emotion gets kind of drowned. needed to do that, since chris and i avoid most interaction beyond idle chit chat. we almost slip into banter sometimes...things almost get fun. the back to that grinding silence. 'cause we both remember our grudge, our insecurities. or i just slip back into grey.

so, i got invited out tonight and i didn't go. that's how the story begins. though it's really the middle, but this little segment of it that i've just typed was spurred by invite, me say no, chris not say but imply 'figured as much. see you later, have fun being alone. not waiting around for you to figure this out...love you but life goes on and so will i'

oh, deta666ils.

i am losing my thoughts. maybe i'll go hang out at the bookstore. only half of the population of portland will be there on this rainy friday night. i can watch people. wish i was stoned. wish i could be stoned and not get caught up in paranoid scapes of aliens and 46+2 humans who are the game players whom i must join or fall prey to as winning goal at game's end....

p.s. i want to go to a dark place, lit seductively with small glowing blue and purple lights. the temperature will be perfect, lush green plants will surround and the underfoot yielding yet supportive, springy. people all around. nobody makes a sound. they dance but don't see. we feel each other. no need to talk. it's understood so we dance, to a pounding envelope of psy trance. beatiful sex inspiring heart breaking loud my feet move just right but i don't feel proud just reel and fly tears pour i sigh relief at life and my own jubilee beat out by the rhythm of someone elses

lullaby baby, lull a bye
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Time:04:08 pm
i guess my difficulty finding any sexually interested/motivated bone in my body (no pun intended) is understandably frustrating. it frustrates and saddens me. but i don't know about treating me like a stranger because of it. who knows why else. things are just shit between us at the moment. less than that...they just aren't.

there is something wrong. i think. it doesn't seem typical for a 25 year old female of fair health to have no sexual desire. beyond that. the thought of sex makes me anxious. not full of anticipation, but uncomfortable. i have dreams, wet dreams, sometimes. the really telling thing is that i am not in them. they are about ficticious characters, usuallly masterbating. i can't even masturbate comfortably in my dreams. i had a dream the other night in which i did that deed...guess what? i didn't come in the dream or real life. go figure.
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Subject:whoah. it's may 1st.
Time:10:54 am
i had this weird sort of revelation just now as i was watching the dishes. i don't know why it didn't hit me in this way earlier, it seems so obvious. my mom is so defensive and unwilling to give/share for fear of being taken advantage of, or so it has seemed. really, she feels that life has consistantly given her what she didn't deserve and taken from her the things that she wanted or expected, the things that so many people take for granted. it took 5 children through miscarraige, one through failure of his lungs after a premature birth, one through a terrible accident that she could easily blame on her own failing. her husband got cancer. she got cancer. her children had drug problems, unplanned pregnancy, failed out of college...she just doesn't trust that life will take care of her. there is bitterness, but there is also a huge feeling of being let down by life and feeling that life will take from her. her best defense...to expect the bad and to act as though that is what will happen.
something i can understand. something i want to get as far from as i can.
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[icon] soldier of the night light
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